The Certainty of Death  

Hi Friends,

Today on Your Bounce Back Life I’m talking about how to bounce back, recover, and reset yourself from the certainty of death. Whoa. A heavy topic I know. But we’re going to get into light stuff too, I promise! 

2023 was a rough year for me. I lost my dad, my first cousin and my first love from youth. Talk about a realm of emotions ranging in intensity and encompassing the past, present, and future.

Does fear of death increase as we age and then mellow as we get older? I’ve found this to be true. I know in my youth I never thought about death and then when I became an adult, got married, and had a child, I worried about death a lot. What if we die and leave our son alone? What if our son dies? 

Now in my fifties, my fear of death has diminished. In some ways, I have a sense of calm about it. I know it’s coming. I feel some contentment about my life about what I’ve accomplished and the good I’ve put out in the world—but there is still so much more I want to do. And I try every day to move that needle forward and accept each day as a gift to use it wisely. I don’t always succeed but I keep trying. Does this sound true for you too?

For me, the loss I experienced last year truly made me see for the first time that more death is coming my way. I’ve survived great loss in my lifetime and I’m sure to survive more. I will mourn and grieve but I will be okay. For you too. You will experience loss—and you will be okay.  

So, in the past year I accepted two big emotional concepts that hit me with super clarity:

1.      Those I love will die. 

2.      I will die.

It sounds simplistic but until you truly feel it in your spirit, you can never understand the depth of what that means. You deny the inevitable. You avoid the inevitable. You make light of the inevitable. I mean look at how many jokes are made about death, right?

And in accepting this certainty of death with loved ones and myself, it led me to think deeply about what that meant. 

I learned that grasping the concept of loved ones dying was actually easier than grasping my own death. In theory, I knew how I felt about each special person in my life and what their loss would mean to me.

However, grasping how I felt about my own death was not so easy. 

How did I feel about myself dying? How do YOU feel about yourself dying? And am I ready to die? Are you? If you died right now, would you feel as if you lived your best life? Or would you have regrets?

I’d mentioned that 2023 was a rough year for me. A large part of that was being a caregiver to my dad who had increasingly worse Alzheimer’s and suffered multiple strokes. Over this past year, with caring for him it seemed that my own life shrunk and managing his life became a fulltime job.

I had been on the phone constantly with staff, Hospice, healthcare, doctors, companions and driving and flying down every month. I felt lost in this depressing cycle. 

If you’ve ever been a caregiver managing someone’s healthcare and finances then you understand how it can become all you know. Day after day. The calls in the middle of the night.  The anxiety, the fear, the stress. It takes a toll. And I sank into a deep depression. Especially since at the same time we were dealing with a life crisis with our son.

And I’ll be totally honest. With all this dragging me down, I grew tired of life. I’d been through too much in my lifetime. And this new situation really wore me down. I was tired of having to keep overcoming again and again. I didn’t want to do it anymore. I began to think how easy it would be to give up. 

Then I went into an even darker place and wondered what the easiest way to die would be. I really did. And it came to me. If I just stopped eating and drinking my body would shut down and that would be it. It would all be over. Quiet and peaceful. I actually did an online search for how long it takes a human to die without water and food. Not too long. 

Thankfully, very quickly my searches scared me and I said out loud to myself, “Donna, what are you doing??” Yes, I was tired of life. I felt hopeless. But my son needed me now. My dad needed me now. It wasn’t time to leave yet. I had to keep going. And, so I did. 

And I was grateful that I had a good therapist to help me navigate this dark place. And I recommend therapy for you if you’re in a dark place—whatever the cause—because we all have times in our life where we need guidance to climb out of sad places.

And I did climb out. I snapped out of my place of doom after my dad passed away. It was as if a great weight I carried was washed away. I felt hopeful again. Inspired again to write. To feel joy. To be happy. To feel at peace. To understand that the dark place I’d been held captive in was due to temporary circumstances out of my control. My dad’s suffering was over and so was mine. 

Here are 11 things I discovered with accepting the certainty of death over this past year.

1.      First, I discovered that we need to truly be present-focused 

For years now, I’d said goodbye to my family with a hug, kiss and an “I love you” without thinking of its deeper meaning. Now recently, it struck me how important this small act was. Even if I was seeing them later that day, tomorrow, or next week. It could be my last moment with them. And how do I want to remember it? With no regrets. With a hug. A kiss. And an “I love you”. 

Being present-focused means focusing less on the future as it can cloud your present. Do you focus on the future more than today? To always be striving for something better? Something more? I’ve lived my life like that at times. Have you? Have you spent your days working on future goals and rushing toward that future that is SURE to be better than today? Well, it might or it might not. 

But today is what we have NOW. Today is what matters. The people in our today. The love in our today. The actions we are taking in our today. And focusing on all of that CAN affect the future, but shouldn’t be passed over in order to get there.

Being present-focused means also making the effort to let the past go. Is your past still affecting your today? Your present choices, behaviors, and feelings? What from your past is still needlessly harming you? It could be time to cut it loose, like a ribbon. Watch it slowly fall away and be left behind. 

Recently, after my dad died I decided I wanted to do hypnotherapy to discover blocked and potentially upsetting memories from my youth. All of a sudden, I HAD to know what happened to me as a child. When I told my current therapist I wanted to go under hypnosis for this, she warned me against it. She let me see I was vulnerable with my dad’s passing and was seeking answers in my childhood because now, as I had no parents living anymore, I was feeling broken and reaching for something in my past to make me feel whole in the present.

Then she asked me, what did I hope to accomplish from knowing something bad happened to me? 

I had no answer.

Then she said. Isn’t it simply enough to say, “It happened. And then let it go?”

Her words brought acute awareness.

Let me say them again. Isn’t it simply enough to say, “It happened. And then let it go?”

And I did.

Is there something from your past that is affecting you now? Something that is tied to you that you can cut and let fall away? 

Something you can say. It happened. And then let it go.

I hope you can.

2.      Here’s the second thing I discovered with accepting the certainty of death. I aim to live in the moment more

Many times when I’m having a moment of pure peace and joy, I pause and take a snapshot of that moment in my mind. I say, I’ll always remember this time. The smell in the air. The laughter with my child. The hug by a campfire. 

You can imprint this special moment on your heart and say to yourself. “I’m here with this person now. I cherish this moment. My heart is full. I will remember it always.”

Maybe it’s a snuggle on the couch with your partner, hiking through a meadow with a dear friend, or petting your cat on your lap.  

Capture how joyful it feels. And someday you’ll recall the wonder and the joy. The bliss of it all. The peace. The love. 

3.      Here’s the third thing I discovered with accepting the certainty of death. When it comes to Death hanging out there, just waiting to do its duty, I say embrace the “You Cant Take it With You attitude”.

It struck me this past year that most people won’t want my material things. They are special to me because of my history of them, but not to others. My son even told me, “Mom, I don’t want your old stuff.” The antique clock my parents bought, the framed prints of my great uncle hiking the Appalachian Trail, my grandmother’s sewing desk. These are all unique to my life. When I’m gone, they’ll end up donated to some used-item store. Someone may claim them as theirs, to enjoy or upcycle. Or they may end up in the trash. It’s okay. 

They comfort me now, but I also know I don’t need to hold onto so many of them anymore. Because I’ve discovered that a material item cannot replace a person I’ve lost. I do not need these “things” to remember them. My loved ones are in my memories forever. Do you know what I mean? I’m sure you do, if you’ve ever lost someone.

And holding on to these things from the past that represent that person is literally weighing you down. Like the tubs and tubs of photos in my basement I never look at but cart with me to every new home. Do you have tubs of things holding you down?

Keeping a memento or two is a lovely idea. But not ALL the mementos. It took me a long time to come to this realization. And it might take you a long time too. When the time is right. When you’re ready to let go and truly embrace the concept that “You Cant Take It With You.” And when you do, it will be very freeing. 

Here’s an idea! Consider giving special items to friends and family now. Items that are meaningful to them. And it will give you joy knowing you once enjoyed it but now they are too. While you’re alive. And you can enjoy their joy. It’s time to declutter your life!

And this “I Cant Take It With You” attitude doesn’t just refer to your material things but so much more. What you create in this world. You can’t take your creations with you. A song you wrote. A speech you gave. A charitable organization you developed. Books you published. Ideas you shared with the world. Your volunteer work. Your personality. Your humor. Your outlook on life.

BUT these are wonderful things you CAN leave behind for others. They may ditch your “old stuff” and keep only a memento or two of you, but the most important things you can’t take with you are the most important things you DO leave behind. Your creations and spirit are the things people will want to keep long after you’re gone. I know.

4.      And here’s the fourth thing I discovered with accepting the certainty of death. Your faith can add a sense of comfort surrounding the idea of death

You may have a strong sense of faith and that faith may guide you in your view of death. For some, the structure and beliefs of religion can bring comfort with the idea of death. Faith can bring its own certainty. And faith can be a foundation for some, perhaps yourself. A foundation to feel secure about what happens after death. 

For me, I experience faith and spirituality through nature. I believe a Great Creator has designed this wondrous natural world to lift us up while encouraging us to live in harmony in it—and amongst ourselves. For me, I draw comfort from that idea that I will never die. My organic body will return to the earth and live on in nature, for I am energy. And energy lives on.

Some of you might believe this too. Or other beliefs that your religion comforts you with.

Perhaps you’re not sure what happens after death. This is a question for the ages we humans struggle with! All I can say is that searching for meaning can bring you comfort.

In the podcast On Being with Krista Tippett, the late poet and philosopher John O’Donohue said in his interview about The Inner Landscape of Beauty, “Spirituality is the art of homecoming.” This truly resonates with me. And, for me, this quote means that having a sense of spirituality or faith can be your foundation.  Like going home can be your foundation. It gives you a sense of belonging. It tethers you to this world. It offers a place you feel accepted and safe. 

5.      And the fifth thing I’ve discovered with comprehending the certainty of death is that it can motivate you to create a legacy

Accepting the certainty of death in my life got me thinking intensely of my own legacy. Have you thought about how you’re making a difference in your life now and what positive impact you will have on the world, long after you’re gone? 

At the funeral reception of my first love, Scott, last year, a good friend of his spoke and he relayed these words Scott told him once. 

Scott said there were three most important things one must do in life.

1.      Take care of yourself

2.      Take care of your family

3.      And Get. It. Done.

When I feel lost, I think of these words and how they are so powerful in their simplicity. Take care of yourself. Take care of your family. And get it done. Whatever getting it done means for you. With your goals. Commitments. Achievements. Promises. Family. Just get it done.

Scott also loved to refer to a quote from the movie The Shawshank Redemption. “Get busy living. Or get busy dying. That’s goddamn right.”

And this getting it done and get busy living is about what we do with our life every day.

My cousin Mark died far too young as well last year, but he touched so many. He was a humble man with a servant spirit that helped his community. He was active with the youth at his church and helped lead over 20 mission trips across the world. At his funeral service, people spoke of how he influenced them in ways they’ll never forget. 

And in hearing people share such heartfelt stories of how Scott and Mark influenced and inspired them, I’ve been wondering … what will people say about me? What have I done that matters? What have YOU done? Are you finished doing what matters OR are there still more things you want to do that matter—to you and to others? 

6.      That leads me to the sixth thing I’ve discovered about the certainty of death. It can inspire you to evaluate your life

Maybe you’re feeling like you haven’t done enough that matters, like me. But there is still time. Unlike those who’ve passed. You and I still have time. And we can start today. To live deliberately and with intention. To elevate others. To inspire others. To touch others and leave the world a better place. 

So, take pause and evaluate your life. What are you doing now that doesn’t serve your legacy and what does? What can you let go of and what can you keep? What can you make room for in your life that matters?

Perhaps you are thinking of volunteering to help others. Perhaps you want to write a self-help book about something you’re an expert in but haven’t had the courage to start yet. Perhaps you’ve always wanted to set up a non-profit organization to help children in need. 

But it doesn’t have to be something big. It could be putting yourself out there as Cub Master for your son’s Scout Troop, helping you not only get over your fear of public speaking but also creating a stronger bond with your son and years of memories together. Like my husband did. Or encouraging someone to follow their dreams and giving them the support they need to get started. Like my husband’s benefactor did in gifting him money to start his own business after my husband was laid off. A business he enjoys as he celebrates 5 years in business. Startup money that changed our lives.

It all starts with asking yourself: Why do I matter? What is my purpose? To serve others? Inspire others? Communicate important ideas? Leave behind a beautiful garden of flowers for people to enjoy? Create artwork or music that touches people? Design buildings that provide beauty or safe haven for those in need? 

Once you start asking those questions, the answers will come. And it gives you a chance to slow down and stop rushing through life. A chance to really think about how you spend your time. A chance to simplify your life and fill it with what matters.

One way to spark what matters to you is to imagine getting a call that someone you love has a terminal illness or died in a sudden accident. With that call, I’m sure all the busyness of life would fall away, and you would be left with the things that are truly important to you. What would they be? 

7.      The seventh thing to consider with the certainty of death is the practical side of death. Putting death plans and paperwork in place

One of the things that may first come to mind when contemplating death is the paperwork. Creating a will. Funeral pre-planning. Letters to loved ones. Setting up a financial power of attorney or durable healthcare power of attorney.

Don’t avoid pre-planning for your death. It doesn’t have to be morbid. It can provide great peace of mind for you and your family. To define your wishes and let them be known. It can even be fun to think about. The music at your service. The food you want. Special items to leave certain people who will appreciate them. Let your personality, feeling, and humor shine through in designing it. 

It’s a chance to have the final say. And I don’t know about you, but I love having the final say. 

8.      With considering the certainty of death, here’s my eighth idea you might not have thought about. Envision a good death

I thought about what my dad’s goodbye would look like during his last few months. I envisioned a good death for him. Where he was surrounded by love. A hand holding his. Songs sung to him. Stories shared. Blankets tucked in around him. A spoonful of ice cream, a good biscuit with gravy. To be wheeled outside, basking with the sun on his face. In the end, he had all this. He had a good death. He was not alone. It was peaceful for him and for me.

And the dark thoughts that had so recently spiraled inside me prompted me to consider how I wanted my own end of my life to go. Based on how I’d seen my dad physically suffer and decline, and my mother many years ago from cancer, I knew I did not want that end. An end where I lose myself in increments over time.

So, I envisioned a good death. You should try it. No really. Try it. Envisioning a good death can bring an acceptance and comfort around the certainty of death. 

I’m a nature lover. The forest is my sanctuary. The wind my music. The mountains my home. The wilderness my cathedral with its open sky. It’s where I engage with my great creator. I say, Thank you for this wonder, Great Creator. 

And I decided the woods is where I would go for a good death. I’d choose one with a mountain vista and hike there on a cold snowy, sunny afternoon. In the words of naturalist John Muir, “The mountains are calling and I must go”. I’d climb as high as I could to that vista. To find the perfect tree, sit beneath it, and watch the sunset slip over snowy peaks until I fall asleep and the cold and dark whisks me away.

This may sound melancholy to you but to me, it’s a beautiful way to leave this earth. What will your way be? Dreaming it up can help you accept that someday, you will die, and you should not fear it but create an end of your choosing in your mind. An epic goodbye. What will your epic goodbye look like? 

9.      And here’s my ninth discovery in accepting the certainty of death. Knowing death is out there actually gives us permission to really live

Just because we can be certain of death in our lives doesn’t mean we need to be overwhelmed by it. We can simply say, “Hey, death, I know you’re over there waiting for me, but I’m going to keep living my life over here.”

Think of it like this. Accepting our own mortality and of those we love gives us permission to REALLY live for us and for them. And lessens the anxiety and fear surrounding death. Live for today because tomorrow is unknown—and all things come to an end.

10.  And the tenth thing to consider with the certainty of death is creating an Intention List

An Intention List is like a Bucket List but with intention to do NOW—not later. Not a dream list to do someday before you die. A list of things to start on now. Write them down then prioritize each item and get started! Some things you’ve dreamed of doing may scare you, but will you regret not trying them? 

You might make it through your list in a lifetime. You might not. You might cross things out and add others. It’s okay. The journey of an experience can often be more rewarding than the destination itself. And there’s great reward in facing your fears to accomplish a dream, knowing you didn’t take the conveyor belt flat ride of life, but the rollercoaster ride of life with all its ups and downs. 

Living life with intention can inspire you to live—really live.

11.  Lastly, here’s my eleventh discovery with the certainty of death. As we unwrap the gift of life each day, be kind to others—including yourself 

Show love and generosity to others. Show grace and empathy. Say I love you. Like A LOT. Say you’re sorry. Ask for forgiveness. Never go to bed with harsh words because they could be the last words you said to someone you love. 

Always talk kindly to yourself as you would a friend who offers advice. Don’t be mean to yourself. Don’t berate yourself. Don’t put yourself down. I struggle to be kind to myself as I’m sure you might too. Would you talk to a friend in such a cruel manner? No. So, think of the kind words a friend might say to you in a certain situation—and say them to yourself. It may be easier to believe the bad stuff about ourselves but getting in the habit of believing good things about ourselves can help us lead happier lives.

My dad, my cousin, and my first love didn’t know death was coming for them on their last day. But they lived extraordinary lives. Quiet lives. Not lives to make international news. But they inspired, elevated, and influenced others to do something with their lives that matter. You might just be that person who is doing that for someone else right now. How amazing!

And with all I’ve talked about with you today, you don’t have to go it alone. Ask others what they think about death. No, I’m serious.

Ask people of all ages. What do they think about death? What do they want to do before they die? Why haven’t they yet? What is holding them back? How do they envision a good death? How do they envision their funeral? What do they hope people will think about them when they’re gone? How have they been living their life so it matters?

I bet not many people get these questions. Take the time to ask friends and family. Gather their stories on paper or better yet, video or audio. These can be great memories to revisit. It could inspire you to take action. It can help you not feel so alone in the topic of death. Your questions could draw out heartfelt and hopeful conversations that connect you even more with people you care about. One thing is for sure, we all experience death in our lives. 

And I want you to do something for me. If you’re aware of death and the certainty of when it’s coming then you can…

Be hopeful
 Live deliberately and with intention
 Be present-focused knowing nothing is permanent 
 Understand yourself and practice self-awareness 
 Take the time to discover what you want and don’t want out of life
 Live and love deeper

If we don’t accept our feelings about death. If we deny the certainty of death. Then we might not fully discover what we want out of life and how we best can live our life. The only life we’ve got.