Bounce Back from Being a Constant Survivor

Hi Friends,

Today I’m talking with you about how to bounce back, recover, and reset your life from having a constant survivor mentality—when you’re not just surviving anymore.

I’ve survived a lot of events in my life. Some at the same time, some events one after the other. Abuse, harassment, caregiving, depression, unemployment, rejections, financial disaster, death of loved ones—and more. 

I know many of you listening here have also survived challenges in your lives. Many challenges more difficult than others. Many of you survived some pretty horrific events, I’m sure. And my heart goes out to you. I hope you had the support you needed to overcome them.

What I’m talking about today isn’t how to be a survivor in tough times but how to STOP being a survivor when it’s not necessary anymore. I know that when you’re just “surviving” for a long time, it can be a shock to come out of that period in your life. 

A survival period can be full of constant fear, worry, uncertainty, and anxiety. A period where your days are hijacked by other events or other people. Where you’re continually being interrupted from your own goals and daily routines and tasks because you have no choice. Days where you’re running on adrenalin. Where you’re often being traumatized not just by the traumatic events themselves but traumatized by surviving in itself.

I’ll share my own example. My dad passed away recently. He was 88 with worsening Alzheimer’s and had suffered multiple strokes. He lived in a dementia facility a 10-hour-car drive away. As his only child and close family, for two years I’d become his caregiver. I managed everything from his finances to healthcare to working with his Hospice team and doctors. 

The last year it truly became all-consuming. A full-time job that overtook my days and nights. I couldn’t do deep work of my own or focus on big projects because I was constantly interrupted and having to pause my life to manage my dad endlessly on the phone from afar or driving far to be gone for days to oversee his care in person. It was an emotional cycle with an anticipated sad end. I survived it because I had to. There was no one else to care for him. 

But I remember after one unsettling week away to oversee his care, a good friend helped me see that I didn’t HAVE to care for my dad. I CHOSE to care for my dad. This temporary job was a choice. But I pushed back and said anyone would do the same. She said, NO, not everyone would. 

Her words lightened my heart. I then understood that managing my increasingly helpless dad WAS my choice. I did it out of love, duty, and respect. And I never would have turned that job down. It was my job and my choice. Just as it was his job and his choice to care for me as a father. I was once dependent on him as he was now dependent on me—even if he was sadly unaware of it. He’d sacrificed for me over my lifetime. He given me many gifts. Now it was my time to sacrifice. And in doing so this was the last gift I could give him.

But, oh how I wanted the cycle I was in at that time with my dad to end. But I didn’t want my dad to end—I just wanted him back the way he’d been. And that could never happen. When the end came, for weeks after that I kept expecting my phone to ring, to blow up with texts. 

When I forgot my phone at times, I was at first distraught. Then realized, I didn’t need to be available 24 hours a day anymore. I wasn’t in survivor mode anymore. I could do whatever I wanted to do. I was free. At first, I felt adrift and without purpose. I was also in a grieving period but soon, I began again to focus on my family, my joys, my self-care, my goals. I went from surviving to thriving.

Yet, I know it’s not always easy to get out of that survivor mode. We get used to it. That constant anxiety and stress and fear. We can’t let it go, even when the event attached to it has passed.

Has this happened to you? Where you think that this constant fraught state is the norm. You keep it alive in your daily routine because it’s familiar. You rush through tasks and routines with urgency. You manage too many roles and are on the go, rushing from here to there. You’re on edge. You snap at others. I mean, really, can’t they see how much you have to do? How busy you are? That others depend on you? Whoa, right? You keep living in a tense place where you’re getting through each day because you have to not because you want to. It’s what you know.

BUT It doesn’t have to be this way. You can end this mode. So, What can you do to transition from survivor mode to thriver mode?

1.      First, you’ll want to create closure around this event that held you captive in survivor mode. The first way I suggest is to journal about your experience. How did this event begin? How did it evolve? What was your role in it and how did you manage it? Don’t hold back. Share all the awful terrible things about this time in your life. Now that it’s over it can’t hold you hostage anymore—or the people connected to that event. Write down all the ways you’re relieved it’s over. How do you feel about how you survived and how do you feel now that it’s over? 
 
Journaling is a powerful tool to provide deep self-awareness. And in doing so, can quiet the confusing thoughts and feelings that could be swirling inside you from having survived a life challenge. You might be saying, but Donna, I’m afraid to put my thoughts on paper. I’m afraid of what’s in my head. I understand. I’ve been a writer all my life, having filled several diaries and journals over the years and yet as I grew older, I stopped journaling. It felt too vulnerable.
 
It wasn’t until recently that I started keeping a journal again because my therapist recommended it. And as a writer, it seemed so obvious to me. When writing a book, I journal about my characters to understand them—so therefore, it made sense to journal about me as a character to understand me. And that’s just what happened. Whenever I felt confused and uncertain about feelings or events, I wrote about them. And in the writing, I provided my own understanding and answers. Clarity can happen for you too. 

To extend beyond journaling, you can also create a closure event. Set aside a time and place to ceremoniously say goodbye to that person and that time in your life. Whether it was a loving influence or a toxic one. Symbolic goodbyes, good or bad, can have a powerful effect.  

You can write a letter to that person, read it out loud, and burn it. You can visit a place that evokes that survival period and say goodbye. For my dad, it was saying goodbye to the beach he loved to take us to where we’d walk for miles. And a restaurant we’d often eat at that was his favorite. And the view from a swing he’d like to sit at by the river to watch the ships and people go by. I knew I’d never see him again—or these places--and so I visited them as a farewell. And it’s given me a wonderful sense of peace. 

2.      In your transition from survivor to thriver, remind yourself what you did before being in survivor mode on a daily basis. What was your routine? What was enjoyable about it? What would you like to continue doing now? If parts of that old routine no longer work for you, look to create new habits. One book I recommend for this is, Atomic Habits by James Clear. James shares how to build good habits and break bad ones. This guide can help you in all aspects of your live from business to parenting but also for navigating life challenges that may require you to form new habits to help you in your new journey. 

3.      Now, I want you to ask yourself, what goals did you put on hold just to survive? Are they your same goals now, or have your goals changed? Brainstorm new goals and why these goals matter to you and are important. What manageable steps can you take to start to achieve them? And who can support you in these goals? Perhaps a friend or spouse you can be accountable to.
 
One of my goals did change after my dad died. I had put my fiction writing on the back burner during his care and after he died, the yearning to work on any manuscript was gone. I longed for a different kind of creative pursuit. 

I’ve been a public speaker for years and enjoyed speaking at writing conferences, colleges and schools and I now longed again to share my experiences that could help others. And that longing became this podcast.  

I still feel the calling to write fiction and I know I’ll get back to writing a book soon, but for now this new project is fueling my creativity and my need to connect. It’s one of my ways of recovering from the isolation of being in survivor mode. 

4.      I want to also share that it’s especially important when recovering from survivor mode to allot time each day for self-care. If you can, get up earlier than others in your household. I’m lucky that I’m an early bird and my husband is a night owl. I have two hours to myself each morning before he gets up. 
You don’t need two hours but one hour can provide enough private time for recovery. Time to journal. Time to read a book. Meditate. Have tea and toast. Do yoga. Go for a walk. Put on your headphones and listen to relaxing music or an inspirational podcast.  

5.      Another important habit to create is to check in with yourself throughout the day. When you’re feeling upset--whether you’re anxious or sad or guilty or angry-- pause and check in. Ask yourself, what happened in my day for me to feel this way? This can bring clarity over your feelings and even change how you feel about something. In being aware, you can also make an effort to redirect your thoughts.  

And with redirecting your thoughts it’s key to have your go-to happy thoughts. Make a list of past events that make you smile and feel joy. It could be a certain family vacation. A retreat on a lake. A favorite biking path. A special hike with a view. A friends gathering. Remember these moments, relive them, and relive how you felt in those moments. Reliving that happiness and contentment can help you feel grateful and grounded—and hopeful for more joyful moments to come.

6.      Along with changing your thoughts, changing your activity can help as well. I’ve struggled with depression much of my life. Even though I’m adopted I know it runs in my biological family. However, my adoptive mom –my real mom- struggled to understand my depression. She would say, “Just get up and go do something!” yes, it’s simple advice for a complex condition, but I’ve discovered as I’ve gotten older that those words have some truth in them.  

I know when I’m experiencing a familiar feeling of survivor anxiety or a wave of depression ramping up, I recognize it and make the decision to do something different for 10 minutes. Do laundry. Go for a quick walk. Clean up the kitchen. Cook something. And put some music on while doing it because music can be a great mood enhancer.  

You’d be amazed how ten minutes of another activity can bump you out of looping thoughts or spiraling negative feelings. It can be the refreshing switch you need to calm yourself and embrace where you are now and let go of lingering in the past. And to have clarity to understand, that this event you survived can no longer influence you unless you allow it to.  

Look, I’m not saying this cures depression, but it can be a tool used to help lift it. Major depression can require therapy or medication—which I’ve done both of and that’s a topic for another podcast. 

7.      Now I know I’ve given you a lot to reflect on. And with all this reflection and work to do on yourself, it may sound like you’ve been doing all this work alone, but isolation during recovery mode can hold you back from that recovery. 
 
It’s time to bloom and blossom, to embrace this new you emerging from a prison. Alone time is good to re-evaluate your life now, but too much alone time is not a good thing. Look to spend time with others who nurture, elevate and support you during this time.  

Yes, we need some people we can think deep thoughts with and do self-reflection, but we also need people who can provide wonderful distractions in doing pleasurable activities together. Whether it’s taking day trips, shopping, hiking, or just having lunch. I know at times I’ve had to force myself to get out and be around people. You might have too as well. But I also know that it boosted my spirits because I got out of my own head for a while and expanded my world with other thoughts and activities and people.  

You’re in a vulnerable place during this recovery mode, so while embracing uplifting people is key—it’s also key to avoid toxic, negative people. You may find that some people in your life won’t survive your own survival from a big life challenge. This happened to me—and I chose to leave them behind as they only hindered my healing. I recommend you also evaluate the people in your life. Because some may need to go.

8.      Lastly, now that you’ve done all this work. From your newfound self-awareness and habits, create positive affirmations. First, think about what you want to work on. It could be related to health, career, relationships, how you feel about yourself, and more. Be specific. Be focused. 
 
Start with the word “I” and write them in the present tense. Use active and emotional words to empower you. Such as:
I attract daily abundance in my life 
I am open to new opportunities 
I’m committed to being kind to myself 
I am worthy and capable of happiness 
I will not let toxic, unbalanced people control how I feel about myself 

Pick a quiet time to read these affirmations daily to reinforce them. Also, know these affirmations can change as you change. It’s a good idea to revisit them over time and re-evaluate them—and recreate new ones if need be.

You can also create a set of affirmations specific to the survivor zone chapter you just closed. For me, after my dad passed, I created these affirmations: 

* I have no regrets as I provided my dad with the support he needed to have a peaceful end 
* I allow myself to grieve while opening up my life to moving on
* I will carry my dad’s wise, calming, and generous spirit with me and practice it throughout my life

Now that we’ve talked about how to transition from being in constant survivor mode to leading a life of your choosing, it’s good to talk about how to avoid getting in that survivor zone again. Once you’re in it and if you’ve been in it for a while, you can be conditioned to that way of living. You can attract it to yourself again. You can even create your own survivor zone without being aware you’re doing it.

It sounds wild but think of it like this. I know people who complain constantly about their lives yet never do anything to change it for the better. You may know people like this too. Or know people who overdramatize their daily life. Or people who are constantly negative. Sadly, they’ve gotten into the habit of this behavior. Perhaps, even sadder, is that it’s a comforting place for them to live. Complaining, overdramatizing, and being negative is what they know. It’s how they know how to live. Thinking about being different can be uncomfortable for them—the unknown. 

What if they actually stopped complaining and saw the good in what was before them? What if they learned how to be calm and peaceful? What if they embraced a positive attitude? Then they might have to make different choices, take different actions. Their lives would change. They might even be happy. But they likely can’t do it because it’s outside their comfort zone. And only when we get outside our comfort zone can we grow and improve our lives.  

I’m sharing this because it can be easy for us to fall into that survivor zone again and again when we don’t need to, simply because it’s what we know and recognize. It’s familiar. It’s how we know how to operate. But it also can be an escape. Because if we’re constantly in “survivor mode” then we can’t take the time to focus on our own lives and relationships that may need attention. We don’t have the bandwidth or time to focus on what we want and don’t want—or to nurture important relationships.

Choosing to be a survivor when it’s not necessary can be a form of procrastination. I know. Even when I put my life on hold to manage my dad’s care, there was a bit of relief knowing I didn’t have to face the other things in my own life that were uncertain. Like my doubts about where my writing path was headed or figuring out where to move my family to next or dealing with health issues. It wasn’t about me. It was about helping my dad. And while that’s what I needed to do in the short term, it’s not good for me in the long term. And it’s not good for you to be in survivor mode long term either. 

Can I promise that you’ll never have to be in a true survivor zone again? Of course, not. We can’t predict what’s coming on our life journey. Perhaps, a loved one becomes seriously ill. Or an accident changes how you live your life. Or an unexpected death changes everything for you in an instant. Or a financial loss changes how you live, where you live, and opportunities you once had are now gone.

I like to believe in a quote that Ernest Hemingway once wrote, “The rain will stop, the night will end, the hurt will fade. Hope is never so lost that it can't be found.” 

Hope is a powerful thing. I truly believe we create our life because of hope. It’s our basis for all we do. We have hope to find love, hope for friendship, hope to create a body of work, hope to build a legacy, hope to raise our children well and send them confidently into the world. Hope propels us forward to take action. To trust in ourselves and others. To motivate ourselves to design a life we love. Without hope, we have no purpose. 

Like I believe that respect is the foundation of a loving relationship, I believe that hope is the foundation for our purpose. We need hope to build the blocks of a life with meaning. 

Some of life comes at us that we can’t control. But much of life comes at us that we can control – AND control what we allow to come into our lives. 

I want to share some ways to curtail getting sucked into creating a new unnecessary “survivor zone”.

1.      Find ways to be peaceful in your daily life. If you don’t know how, find tools. Whether it’s mediation, deep breathing, exercise, podcasts, or listening to uplifting music. This will help you keep a steady state even when your day gets stressful. It will help you manage that stress better, so it doesn’t snowball into attaching itself to other aspects of your life. Like taking your stress out on a loved one, or doing something you’ll regret, or thinking before you speak. I’m speaking from experience here. Life is about how we react to events. If we react with anger and agitation, it only makes things worse. If we act with calm and steadiness, then we’ll feel in control and know we can handle any situation coming our way.  

2.      Keep in mind that other people’s emergencies are not necessarily YOUR emergencies. So don’t get sucked up in them. Believe me, they can take over what could otherwise be a peaceful, easy day or week or month. 

3.      Limit time with people who overdramatize. You may know the people I’m talking about. The people who think in extremes and want to constantly share every detail of some major event they’ve deemed a crisis. If you can, just eliminate these people from your life. You don’t need getting riled up for nothing. There’s plenty in life to get riled up about without allowing someone else to create drama in your life about things that are of no consequence to you. 

4.      Here’s a tip: Just say NO. When you’re asked to do this activity or that event and you wan to—for whatever reason. Just say NO. It’s so easy to say NO once you start doing it. This is a simple way to ease stress in your life without adding it unnecessarily. 
 
 Fill your free time with things you long to do, that bring you joy and contentment.  You may have had to say YES during that life challenge you recently survived, but you can empower yourself now with saying NO. 

5.      Think of it like this, in preventing yourself from deep-diving into the Survivor Zone again when it’s not required, you’re giving yourself a gift. The gift to protect your spirit and your dreams. The gift to protect how you design your unique life. The only life you’ll get. 
 
Allow yourself to feel like today is the day you can begin again on your life journey that’s yours, and no one else’s. Don’t let the Survivor Zone bulldoze over you or you’ll wake up one day and wonder why your life is not your own. You’ll come to see that you are leading other people’s lives through their desperation.

I hope what I’ve shared can help you reclaim your life and build a new one, after surviving a major life event or challenge. What’s important to keep in mind is that even with all this shifting of your mindset to find your way again, it’s okay if you don’t know where you’re going or what you want right away. Take this time to recover from just surviving and explore what you’d like your life to look like without putting pressure on yourself. 

As the poet Walt Whitman said, “Keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you”. 

So, lift your face to the sun, even if there are no answers in the light yet. Let the shadows fall away, and the answers will come—and the possibilities. 

A weight has been lifted from you and amazing things are coming. You don’t need to know what they are—just have hope you are moving toward them with each step you take—from surviving to thriving.