Bounce Back From Quitting

Hi Friends,

Today on Your Bounce Back Life I’m talking about recovering and resetting your life from quitting. And we’ll be talking about the art of quitting. Yup, there’s definitely an art to it. I’ve had enough experience to know. It’s a process you create of your own design AND quitting can be a way to find ourselves. And we’ll talk about that in a moment.

Quitting can also have a whole lot of emotions tied to it.
Shame.
Embarrassment.
Failure.
Fear.
Anxiety.
Uncertainty.
Despair.
Among others.

And with all these emotions, there can be much to overcome in quitting. But to give you inspiration, as Helen Keller once said, “Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of overcoming.” And you can overcome quitting. 

And while quitting has a whole bucket of discomfort with it, it can also represent one big beautiful feeling. The feeling of freedom. And you’re in charge of grabbing that freedom. No one and nothing can stop you from letting go and beginning again. 

Sometimes in life we can take on too much at once or jump on the next shiny thing and we fizzle out and that’s why we quit. I’ve definitely done that. Perhaps we quit because we’re trying to escape other things in our life we don’t want to focus on or deal with. Yup. Done that too.

Sometimes we need to try those shiny new things to learn skills and tools that can help us in the next thing we discover that inspires and motivates us. The thing we can stick with, excel in, and be passionate about.  

As a creator, I can look back and see that all I learned before I quit something helped me reach for and succeed at the next thing. I filled my toolbox with knowledge and skill and wisdom. I still am. And so are you! It’s preparing us for what’s coming next, even if we can’t see down that road just yet. 

And sometimes with quitting, you’ve learned what you needed to know and then it’s time to move on. You’ve outgrown that thing or event or person. You gave it your all and received in return but the well is now empty. That thing or event or person served its purpose. And my advice to you is, don’t dwell too much on what went wrong—but focus on where to put your energy next to keep moving forward. 

I bet if you sat down and listed all the things you quit in your life, you might be surprised how long that list is. And also, list the reasons why you quit each thing. Doing can help you understand yourself better. 

For me, I can rattle off just a snapshot of the multiple things I’ve quit in my lifetime.

I ... Quit a marriage that was wrong from the start
 Quit writing thrillers to write for kids to now write for adults again
 Quit a corporate career to spend more time with my son
 Quit not one literary agent but two
 Quit businesses when I outgrew them.
 Oh, and the doozy was the time I quit a career job, hustled to get two other job offers, accepted one and rejected the other. Then quit the offer I accepted because it didn’t work out and then convinced the employer who offered me first job to hire me even though I rejected their offer and when that didn’t work out with either jobs I actually, believe it or not, convinced the job I left in the beginning to take me back! Phew. If you can’t follow that story, me neither. What a crazy month it was. I don’t recommend it! But I definitely learned that impulsively jumping the fence to something else is not always better.

Nowadays I have no shame in quitting. I only answer to me and my family. This is MY life. No one else’s to live. Just like this is YOUR life. No one else can live it for you.

Quitting often is not the right word. It can be a pause. A step back. A time to refresh, regroup. Re-evaluate and then come back stronger. Perhaps on the same path but with a different focus, goal, and process.

You may think that by holding on to something that is not working for you that you’re strong, but actually quitting can make you stronger. If you find yourself forcing what you’re doing, it’s time to quit. 

I want to emphasize that there is a difference between quitting for good reason, when it’s the most ideal scenario for you to let go, and just giving up because it’s too hard. Most things worthwhile in our lives do not come easy. They are challenges we commit to. Whether that’s learning a new skill, changing careers, launching a new business, making a relationship work, or creating a piece of art or music.  

I’ve done both. I’ve given up when it was too hard and I’ve given up when the time was right to walk away. And let me say that quitting in both these ways has benefited me. It’s helped me make better educated choices the next time I decide to commit to something. I hope for you too. 

Let me ask you this. Are you a serial quitter? Someone who starts things and then abandons them early on without finishing or following through? What I’m talking about with you today should give you insight into your own behavior and also understand the difference between quitting because its too hard and quitting because its time.

A friend once told me that I’m flighty. That I dive deep into a project and then another and another. Flighty people are seen as unpredictable. Taken with notions of change. Perhaps even irresponsible. At first, I was offended by being called flighty but after a quick, hard look at myself I realized there was some truth in what she said. 

But I also know that I’m a lifelong learner and creator and always seek to forge new projects involving art and communication. Whether it’s books. Blogs. Etsy shops. Online courses. Public speaking. And yes, now, podcasts. 

To some I may be flighty but the word itself suggests taking flight. And I do take flight! And others like me are seen as flighty too. Are you one who takes flight? One of us who has vision, who sees the next journey ahead, who aims to soar to new heights because we see possibilities. I’m glad to be part of this group. 

We’re seen as flighty because we take flight while those who judge stay grounded. They don’t take risks. They don’t use their wings. They never fly. They play it safe. How sad. For in flying, we see the world from a different perspective, expanding our own world view—and expanding our possibilities. Expanding our life.

People who take flight strive. People who don’t strive stay grounded. They stay where they are. 

I’ll share an example. I had a friend a long time ago in our youth when I lived in the Northeast part of the United States. This friend was living with her partner and working a joyless job. She yearned to break free and go to California. It had been her dream to drive across the country and make a new life, but she’d never been a risk taker. Never stepped outside her own boundaries. One night she broke down and said this was it. She was doing it. I’d never seen her so animated. So passionate before. She decided to pack her things and leave her partner and make this dream happen.

I was so excited for her and planned to help her on her new life journey. I was there for her in any way. She drove home to get ready. Two hours later she called. To my shock her passion and excitement was gone. She simply said to me in a monotone voice, “I’m not going. This is where I belong.” She stayed where she was. She stayed with her partner. And that was that. From what I can see, she never attempted to break out of her box again. I was sad for her. 

Our friendship faded away and I wonder now what she would have experienced if she’d taken a chance on her dream. Even if that dream didn’t work out and she had to quit one dream for another, where would her flight have taken her? And where would she have flown next? What would she be doing now? WHO would she be now?

And here’s the thing, everything we’ve tried and quit becomes part of us. Each journey we take because we took a chance, leads to another journey. And we are continually becoming. Evolving. Changing. Learning. Embracing life that’s meant to be experienced in all its rollercoaster moments. 

Have you quit many things in your life? I have for sure. Did I regret any of them? At the time, I regretted some. But in looking back I can confidently say NO. Because I know now that no matter how ashamed I was of quitting or embarrassed or judged by others at the time that this is MY LIFE OF MY DESIGN. And at the very least, I learned from it. Maybe not right away, but in retrospect. And often, in understanding what I learned I discovered that I dodged a big old bullet! Has this happened to you? 

It has for me. Like the time I dodged a big old bullet when I became a public-school English teacher and lasted two days. Okay, a day and a half. And I’ll be honest, this is the first time sharing this story publicly because I was so ashamed of the whole situation for a long time. Here’s how it went down…

At the time the state lived in was short on teachers and had launched a program where if you had a college degree in a subject then you could teach that subject under a mentorship without a teaching degree or certificate. So, I applied as an English teacher and was accepted to teach high school 9th grade English and 11th grade honors English in a high-performing district and pretty good pay to start. 

Except the mentorship didn’t begin UNTIL you were in the classroom. There was no education training beforehand. No internship. No classroom management lessons. No instruction on how to create a high school English curriculum. 

I spent three months, the entire summer, researching, studying, and creating yearlong English classes for not one--but two grades. I loved literature and immensely enjoyed creating my teaching program. With little feedback, my program was approved and my first day began. I had prepared all summer but I had NO IDEA what I was in for.

I’d never done public speaking before. Never managed teenagers before. Never taught English before. And those 11th graders were giant scary adults! My second day I had a panic attack so bad I almost passed out and had to go to the nurse’s office. My mentor, who merely sat in the classroom and watched, took over my class that afternoon. 

My LAST afternoon. I never went back. Yup. A day and a half. All that time I spent applying, interviewing, researching, and planning all summer to do this job and THAT WAS THAT.

Talk about the shortest job in my career. I was so ashamed of quitting that no one knew except my husband. I actually pretended to be at work for months until I let people know I’d quit.

But it wasn’t all for nothing. I learned three very important things from this experience:

1.      That there are no shortcuts to success worth doing. If I had decided to go into teaching, it would have been beneficial to be educated and mentored until I was prepared and confident to have my own class. I mean teachers have years of education and experience before they get their own classroom.

I’m a communicator but at the time had no experience in public speaking, which I fell in love with years later after MUCH practice and experience. And ironically, one of those public speaking experiences I grew into and enjoyed immensely was presenting to hundreds of teenagers in auditoriums as a visiting children’s book author. And I know now I would probably have made a good English teacher if I’d had the proper training before jumping blindly into that vocation. 

2.      I learned that a good paying job in a new career was not all about money and security. It was also about having the skills and confidence to do it to the best of my abilities. I had none of that.  

3.      AND I most importantly dodged that bullet! I learned that I could never be cooped up in a classroom all day without the ability to come and go as I please--not even go to the bathroom. To have administration dictate what I teach. To have parents try and dictate what I teach. To be in a rigid structure all day, every day. It was worse than a corporate job. I would have been miserable.

As you can see, quitting can deliver hugely impactful life lessons. Lessons that help you discover what you want and don’t want AND help you focus on how to get what you want. Also, another takeaway here for you is that to excel at something you need to practice at it to become an expert. And focusing on excelling in areas that already come easy to you AND that you’re passionate about can enable you to eventually become an expert in those areas. So I say, take advantage of what you’re good at!

For me, I’m a creator and communicator and many things fall under these two umbrellas. What comes easy for you to do that you enjoy? That you’d want to pursue? Look to exploit those areas and you could make better choices for your next adventure and reduce the chances of quitting.

Here's another personal story of quitting before I even got started! When my son was a toddler, it was time to go back to work in the marketing realm. I partnered with a job recruiter and conducted three intense interviews with one company. We were in negotiations back and forth, and then the big offer came in. It was huge. Unlike any pay I’d had so far with not only a large base salary but a large bonus too. 

It was also a dream job for me at the time. Managing crisis communications at power plants around the world for a big energy corporation. I was wooed. I was dazzled. I was thrilled.

But then I began thinking about being on call 24/7, traveling all the time, working late every night. And I realized I’d miss out on my son growing up and have to hire a nanny. And no way would I do that. So I quit before I even started. The recruiter was furious with me. She’d gotten me more money that she’d ever believed she could get for a placement -- and I just dropped the whole deal. But for me, I needed to be with my son. To see him grow. To laugh with him and play with him. I was in a pretty dark place after I turned that job down because my family needed that salary.

But quitting paid off. Within 2 months, I got a job offer to work virtually in marketing communications. I could take my son to daycare and pick him up. I had evenings and weekends free. We had time to be together. And that was 2005, early for remote work but it set the stage for how I wanted to work: with freedom and flexibility even if I wasn’t working for myself… yet. But I can see now, I was moving toward that. I hope this story helps you see how quitting can bring awareness—and what you truly need. To paraphrase the Rolling Stones, you can’t always get what you want but sometimes you get what you need.

Now let’s talk about how to bounce back from two types of quitting. Quitting short term things in your life and quitting long-term things.

1.      First, Quitting short term things

As you can see from my high school teaching fiasco, sometimes it’s the right choice to quit something quickly. It was for me at any rate. Here are some things to ask yourself in quitting something short term.

Was this a bad choice to take on? And why? And should I quit now before I get in too deep? What will I gain by quitting and what will I lose by quitting? What will the consequences be, and can I live with them? And what will I have learned about myself from quitting this? Was it not what I expected? Did I learn what I want to do and what I don’t want to do? And what do I want to do instead of this? And finally, did I give this my best try? OR am I quitting just because it’s hard. 

Sure, one of the definite consequences of quitting can be feeling ashamed. I know first-hand how that feels. But let me tell you, shame is short lived. Being miserable in a situation because you’re too afraid to quit is long lived. I’ll take the short-lived shame any time. Life is too short to be miserable by your own choosing.

And think about this: if you’re ashamed of quitting and worried about what others will think, the better question to wonder is … what will you think about yourself if you DON’T quit? AND do you want to live your life by how others think of you? I say an emphatic NO to that, don’t you? Consider this…whose opinion should matter the most in this decision? Yours. 100%.

And also, no matter HOW you live, someone in your life will be disappointed. So you might as well make sure that YOU’RE not the one disappointed in yourself in the end. And sometimes holding on to that which doesn’t serve you can do more damage than letting go of it.

And when you’ve decided absolutely to quit, then it’s time to create an exit strategy that best works for you.

2.      Now when quitting long term things, the situation can be a little different

Ask yourself the same questions as for short term quitting but also ask yourself these questions.
 
 Why do I feel it’s time to move on? What prompted this decision to quit? Did I outgrow it? Am I bored? Do I not have time for it at this moment in my life? Does it not bring me joy anymore? Is it hurting me in some way—whether emotionally, financially, or spiritually?
 
 Answering these questions can inspire deep self-awareness and guide you in your decision to quit.
 
 No matter if we quit something early on or something that’s been a part of our life for a long time, quitting can provide us with insight and wisdom to enable us to make better decisions for ourselves when the next choice, project, or opportunity arises. Here are some ways to evaluate this quitting experience to guide you better the next time.
 
 Before you decide to commit to a new opportunity ask yourself:

What are my top core values? For example, for me the things I value most and live by are family, achievement, creativity, beauty in nature, freedom, health and self-awareness. I have many more values, but these are my core. What are yours? They could be determination, courage, and kindness. 

Look up lists of core values and figure out which ones resonate with you, if you don’t already know them.
Now ask yourself why do I want to pursue this new opportunity?
What are the risks?
What are the potential consequences—positive and negative?
What are the benefits?
What do I hope to achieve by doing this?
And finally, is this in alignment with the core of who I am? Go back to your core values and see if this opportunity is aligned or not.

Pheww! From all this, it really seems that life is a constant figuring out task to do, doesn’t it? And all this figuring out can be exhausting but worth it to know yourself, your values, and to make your next life decision based on who you are and the kind of life you want to live. 

And the more we try—and quit—the more we understand ourselves. The more we uncover what’s truly important to us, what matters most to us, and we become better versions of ourselves. 

But we can’t do this without trying. And we won’t always succeed in trying. We will fail. And there will be times we need to quit. And try something else. Experiment with a new path. A new skill. A new learning. A new area to live. A new relationship. Whatever it may be. And bring all we’ve learned along the way to the next adventure to give us the best chance of succeeding. 

Because life is one big, long experiment. And if we don’t experiment, we lose. We lose the person we might have become. We lose the exploration of ourselves. We lose discovering so many things about ourselves to love.

And if we stay on the same path, often we end up living someone else’s life. Not a life of our own making. If we don’t take control of our own lives and experiment, then life will experiment on us. And without taking control we give life permission to experiment on us without our approval. 

And if life experiments on us, then we won’t be holding the reins anymore of our own life. Life will be leading us instead. Which would you rather have? Your hands at the reins or some other force controlling your path? 

Perhaps right now you’re in the process of deciding whether to quit something. And perhaps you are struggling with that decision. But perhaps your struggle is the universe, and yourself, telling you that you are struggling because you’re ready to grow and it’s time to let go.

I know I’ve given you a lot of hard things to think about with the quitting process but here’s one final question to ask yourself about a situation: Will I regret not quitting this? Only you can answer that.
 
 With all this, I’m not promoting giving up quickly or easily or becoming a serial quitter, but there’s a time to push on and work hard at challenges for a greater reward and there’s a time to quit. And being self-aware enough to know when to walk away and when to stay can guide you to recognize which one to choose.

And in taking flight with something new, experimenting with your life, and ultimately quitting some experiments we can take away many lessons that enable us to design a life we love. 

Taking flight not only enables us also to make better educated decisions with the next opportunity but makes us infinitely more interesting! With all your cumulated experiences, you’ll have so many topics to discuss and share with others. You’ll be the highlight of a social gathering! 

I remember, one time at a get together an acquaintance said to me, in a joking manner—"You’re the most interesting woman in the world! Every time I talk with you I learn something new about you that I never knew before.” Now, that’s quite an exaggeration but it helped me see that I AM interesting because of the experiences I’ve opened myself up to throughout my life.

Taking flight with taking risks also expands our world with a spectrum of emotions that make us human—and that connect us to other humans. 

Yes, it exposes us to feelings of…

Shame.
 Embarrassment.
 Failure.
 Fear.
 Anxiety.
 Uncertainty.
 Despair.
 But also radiant feelings of joy, hope, excitement, purpose, love, contentment, and bliss. 

In experimenting with your life. You can feel courageous. Confident. Bold. You feel like you can do more and more and try again and again.

Whatever you decide to quit—or not quit. Whatever you decide to do next. I hope you take flight again and again. And experience and feel the full bursting and wonderful spectrum of life.