Bounce Back From an Identity Crisis 

Hi friends,

Donna here and welcome to Your Bounce Back Life! Today we’re talking about recovering and resetting your life from an identity crisis. It’s a scary and unsettling place for sure and we’ll dive into how you can shift with this crisis by looking inward to discover new opportunities, new learning, and new ways of thinking that can have an empowering impact on your life!

I love this quote by George Bernard Shaw. He said: “Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”

I’d say, that this creating of ourselves is a process we go through over and over. We don’t just struggle with identity loss once in our life, but likely many times. And many life events could trigger an identity crisis.

Like…

Becoming a parent
 Losing a parent
 Losing a job
 Changing careers.
 Facing an empty nest with your spouse—or by yourself

I’ve experienced all these, some more than once. I’m guessing you have, too, and you can add to this list. 

Are you wondering right now if you’re even having an identity crisis? 
 Well…
 Are you questioning your life purpose? 
 Are your core values changing? 
 Are you seeing your relationships differently?  
 Do you no longer enjoy doing certain activities that were once very important to you? 
 Are the goals you once had no longer the same? And perhaps you don’t know what your new goals are? 

Yup. That’s an identity crisis alright. How does this crisis feel? Unbalanced. Like you’ve lost your foundation. As if you don’t exist anymore and this new person has replaced you, without your consent. Does that sound about right? 

I like to re-phrase the term identity crisis—or identity loss—to something more hopeful. An IDENTITY SHIFT. And it’s not about finding who you were again…it’s not about IDENTITY RECOVERY when you’re going through an identity crisis. It’s about IDENTITY DISCOVERY. 

Let me repeat that. it’s not about IDENTITY RECOVERY. It’s about IDENTITY DISCOVERY. Once you realize that, you can begin to re-evaluate who you are becoming.

The poet and philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson once wrote this: “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” 

Now, I think he was referring to being your true self versus conforming to what others think you should be or living someone else’s path. Yet, I also think it’s relevant with identity loss. Because many external forces in our lives are constantly trying to make us something else throughout our lives. 

Having a child makes us a new mother or father—shifting our identity as a result. Getting laid off from a job forces us to find a new role or even rethink our career path—once again shifting our identity as a result. For example, for years you might introduce yourself as an engineer and now, because you couldn’t find a job as an engineer, you became a teacher. And in doing so, perhaps discovered you had an affinity to teaching and enjoyed it. That’s a big shift, right? 

And as Emerson pointed out, aiming to be your true self is an accomplishment.

Think of it like shifting your identity to a new one—even if that shift is forced upon you. You can take that shift and embrace it. Take the opportunities that come with the shift. And become richer in self through the learning. And we’ll get more into how to do that in just a bit.

Let me share one of my experiences with identity loss. When I found out I was having my first child as a newlywed, I was so not ready. I did not want a baby. Yet when my son, Joshua, arrived and was placed on my chest it was the sweetest most intense love I’d ever known. I think I knew this intense love would terrify me. And it did. I’m adopted, and having my “own blood” now helped me feel complete and at peace.

And in that moment, adding “mother” to my identity shifted me into a new person. Even through all the anxiety and worry and stress and heartache of motherhood, I would never have given up that role. I embraced it. And I learned from it. I learned true unconditional love. I learned patience. I learned compromise. I learned to pick battles that matter. And this expansion into parenthood, extended its benefits to many other areas of my life.

Think about an identity shift you’ve had and not just what you learned from it but how it impacted other areas of your life. Perhaps that big life event shifted you into new opportunities, new learning, and new ways of thinking.

My mom died fifteen years ago. And after she died from a long struggle with cancer, I was utterly lost. I couldn’t function but I had to because I had this young son to care for. At that time, I wrote in my diary, “Mom, I don’t know who I am in this world without you.” I struggled with my grief but at the same time was also inspired to write my first novel. I’d always been a writer and had always wanted to write a novel but hadn’t found the courage and motivation to do it. But in grief I did.

And writing that first novel also provided me with an escape. Something to work on intently. To draw my focus away from my deep grief that hung over me. And in passing away my mom gave me this final gift – the gift to follow my dream of finding the stories inside me to be told. 

This identity shift after losing my mother deeply impacted me. It provided not only new opportunities and a new part of me to be fully explored but also expanded my circle of friends with other writers and artists—who in turn deeply impacted my life in a positive way. The same journey could happen for you with your own identity shift.

And I also know if my mom hadn’t passed away I might not have ever become an author. Do I wish I still had my mom here instead of being an author? Absolutely. But that external event of her death was forced upon me. I had no control over it. But I DID have control over how I could shift my identity from floundering day after day to fostering a new, confident me. 

Now let’s talk about what identity IS and then how we can aim to successfully navigate an identity crisis.

Identity. It’s such a simple word and such a complex thing, isn’t it? Our identity evolves over time. It’s a combination of our experiences through choices, travel, connections, family, and beliefs (sometimes the beliefs of others we perceive as our own). 

And often these beliefs can be limiting beliefs. Ideas or concepts about ourselves from our past experiences that we assume are true but also hold us back. They can stunt our personal growth and our success. Beliefs like, “I’m not smart enough” or “I’m not worthy” or “If people knew who I really was they wouldn’t like me”. Do these sound familiar? They have for me at times.

Identity is a lot about the stories we tell ourselves about who we are. Have you thought about what the stories are that you tell yourself about who you are? 

The only way to change limiting beliefs tied to your identity is to replace them with empowering beliefs. Here’s what I want you to do…

 I want you to write down all the things you believe about yourself. Negative and positive. 
 
 Now write down WHY do you believe them? What led to those beliefs?
 Were they from your own actions or the actions and words of others? For example, when I was a child my mom told me I was lazy because all I wanted to do was hideaway and read and write all the time. Now to her credit, my mom was raised during the Depression on a farm. She had a tough-work and frugal mentality. She was famous for waking me up early in the morning on the weekends to work outdoors with her famous phrase of “Up and at ‘em!” To this day, 6:30 am is sleeping in for me. I’m totally serious. 

And when my Mom was outside managing our homestead, wanting me to get up and at em to weed, stack wood, and work in the garden, I wanted to be in my fictional dream world. 

But I took on my mom’s words as my story. I believed I was lazy. And most of my life it’s been hard for me to relax and do nothing. I’ve pushed myself to be productive. 

I believed that I must be productive to have self-worth. My limited belief was that I’m lazy and in being lazy I have no purpose. This might sound familiar to you too! And I also used to believe that I must first be productive in order to reward myself with rest. Just in recent years, I now know rest is important. That sometimes we need to JUST DO NOTHING. To lounge on the couch. To doze in the sun. Rest is peaceful. Rest is recovery. We need to REST and RECOVER on a regular basis.
 
 Now, since you wrote down your negative beliefs—potential limiting beliefs—write down the OPPOSITE of each of those beliefs. What would those phrases look like? Perhaps, “I AM worthy of happiness just like anyone is,” or “I am smart and can be successful at anything I choose”.
 For me, I can say: “I’m not lazy. I work hard with purpose but I also rest and recover.”

What if you were the opposite of your limiting beliefs? Would you want to be? Could you change these beliefs with new thoughts and actions? 

What if limiting beliefs right now are causing you to have an identity crisis. Perhaps as a new parent, you feel you’re not capable. I know I definitely felt that. Or since the death of a parent you’re not capable of standing on your own. I felt the same way. Or with the loss of a job that you’re a failure. Hello, me again too! 

There’s a plus to rewriting these limiting beliefs in THE OPPOSITE. To say, I AM a capable new parent, I AM capable of standing on my own since Dad died, I AM NOT a failure because I lost my job. With these new “unlimiting beliefs” the plus is that you can start to change the stories you tell yourself about who you are.

Another plus with flipping your limiting beliefs? Confidence. Confidence comes with empowering beliefs. Fear comes with limiting beliefs. I’ll say that again... Confidence comes with empowering beliefs. Fear comes with limiting beliefs. Don’t let fear drive your life. Fear holds you back. Trust me, I’ve faced enough fears—and still do at times—to know how it can hold you back. And to also know that when I allow myself to be confident, confidence allows me to grow.

So here’s the thing. If our identity evolves and shifts over time then that would suggest it’s always changing and we shouldn’t be surprised when it does change—yet often we question its changing as if it took us unaware, right? I know it does for me at times. 

And one thing for sure, feeling confident in your identity is all about being aware. Being self-aware. But you may know and I know, becoming self-aware is hard. It requires effort. It’s uncomfortable. It requires a change in thinking. And I’ll talk about that more in a moment.

Changes are especially hard when it comes to identity shifts because our identity is such a personal thing. It’s happening internally. Not externally. Like a new job. A new home. A divorce. A death. Although, of course, these external changes do affect us internally. And they often lead to an identity crisis. 

When it comes to identity, if you think about it, you weren’t always the person you are now, right? I know when I look back to the person I was Ten, twenty, thirty or even 40 years ago, that it is like looking at a character from a movie or book. That person was someone else. 

That identity was who I was THEN but not who I am NOW. Yet, I know I carry aspects of my early self with me. At 7 years old I read The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe and was so transported into that fantasy world that I knew I wanted to become a writer—and a writer of fantasy. And it was then that I began writing fantastic stories. And today I’m a fantasy author. 

IF YOU’RE STRUGGLING WITH LOSS OF IDENTITY ASK YOURSELF THESE QUESTIONS:

1.      What traits, hobbies, and skills did I identify with in my youth that I still identify with?

2.      How have those traits of myself evolved?

Tying the past to our present can offer comfort with its continuity. It’s what we need when we’re evolving into someone new and get out of our comfort zone. And that’s a good thing—although it might not seem so at the time. Outside our comfort zone is scary but also a place we can create profound, positive change. 

So …when you find yourself faltering in who you are now, look to your past as a foundation for your present and future. Being grounded in the basics of who we are can provide comfort and confidence. 

Most of us also have more than one identity, don’t we? Perhaps you’re a parent? A friend? A spouse? A colleague? And a business owner? And our identities we connect with today are how we not only perceive ourselves but how others perceive us—AND how we perceive how others perceive us. WHOAH. Like I said earlier, identity is complicated.

If you’re experiencing an identity shift, looking inward can help you navigate it. Let’s dig deeper.

LOOK AT WHAT LIFE CHALLENGE NOW HAS LED TO YOUR IDENTITY CRISIS:

First, ask yourself, what is causing me to question who I am and re-evaluate who I am? Maybe you’ve been diagnosed with a health condition, lost someone you loved, moved to a new area, or ended a long-time friendship.

Now ask yourself, has this event caused me to doubt myself and if so, how? For example, recently a dear friend ended our friendship in a bizarre way. She stopped communicating with me and for months I texted, called, and emailed her wondering what had happened. Eventually she wrote me this: I’m not the person you thought I was. 
 I still didn’t understand why she ended our friendship but I came to see if was likely an identity shift of her own she was going through. So finally I stopped blaming myself and realized, I had no control over keeping our friendship. I mourned her and moved on.

Ask yourself. Are you dissatisfied with your life and if so, in what area? Often when we become dissatisfied in one area of our lives, we can also allow that one part of our life to bleed into other areas and feel our whole life is a mess, when in fact it’s not. 

Perhaps your marriage is still strong, your friendships are still nourishing, your career is still going well. So, it can help to isolate the one thing that is in fact causing the dissatisfaction.  

Try this. Write down all the things that are going well in your life. Maybe it’s a positive relationship with your children, or that you have many supportive friends who lift you up and enable you to be the best version of yourself, perhaps you love your job and just got a promotion. Whatever you are struggling with in life with an identity crisis, I can confidently say that there are good parts of your life that help ground you during this crisis.

So, look to those good parts.

Reflecting on what is important to you and your values can also help you re-evaluate where you are. As I’d mentioned before, perhaps you’re questioning your values. 

Once you understand where your loss of identity is stemming from you can create a plan to navigate it. And it may be stemming from several things! For example, one year my husband and I relocated, moved our son 5,000 miles away to Hawaii, AND I moved my dad into dementia care living and had to manage his finances and healthcare. Talk about a whopper of a year when it came to an identity crisis—multiple ones! I left my home, my area I loved, and my friends behind. I left daily motherhood behind with my son gone so far away. And I became my father’s caregiver. I was totally lost. 

Are you ready for more deep work? Because I’m throwing more questions at you like the ones I’ve had to ask myself through many identity shifts. QUESTIONS TO HELP GUIDE YOU through a place of discomfort and uncertainty to confidence and empowerment:

1.      What is important to you? For example for me, it’s about being in nature, spending time with family, being a life-long learner, being a creator, and helping others.

2.      Journal with self-reflection. Writing down your thoughts on a regular basis helps deepen self-awareness and can often bring clarity and answers you seek. I recommend actually writing with pen and paper. As a writer myself, I can tell you this process is far different from typing onscreen.  

Your thoughts are slowed down so you can fully embrace intuitively how you feel, what you think, and unveil possible solutions. It’s a more intimate process of putting pen to paper then finger to keyboard. Your ideas and words will flow differently, on a deeper plane to uncover deeper knowledge. Going deep is good! 

3.      Discuss your issue with a trusted, non-judgmental person who’s known you a long time and will be honest with you in a loving way. Often, the people we trust most who know us best can offer a completely different point of view about ourselves we might never have considered that can help us in our changing life journey.   

4.      Embrace new experiences. Create an experience bucket list. What are some things you’ve always wanted to do? For me, one was learning French again. I hadn’t taken French in 40 years since school. It not only unlocked a lost language in me but expanded my world, seeing it from a different language. Then I began learning Italian as well and having just as much fun.  

Today there are many websites and apps to learn from, as well as with in person classes. Technology has expanded how we can expand ourselves. Also, look to visit new places. Where have you wanted to go but haven’t? It doesn’t have to be a major trip. Create a list of things to learn and places to go. 

5.      Challenge any limited beliefs about yourself. I talked about this earlier, but it’s a good reminder here. Some examples of what you tell yourself could be… I will always be overweight OR I will never be financially successful. A clue that your belief is limited if they include the words “never” or “always”. Nothing can truly be NEVER and nothing can truly be ALWAYS. These are words that speak to extremes.   

6.      Help others! Getting outside of ourselves can often provide a new perspective on life and even a new path. For example, as my son got older and was no longer so dependent on me, I realized how I missed helping a young child as a mentor, a guide. And so I became a Big Sister with Big Brothers Big Sisters. I wanted to give back and help another child.  

However, it was eye opening for me as I realized my Little Sister helped me as much as I helped her. She gave me a new perspective on life. To see the world from a child’s eyes. To be spontaneous. That not everything has to be organized and planned out. To make up songs in the moment. To make up games. To see the little things all around me. The tall, green grass. The shapes of clouds. The shadow of a tree on the pavement that looks like a monster. So, take a chance to help someone out. That someone could help you too. 

7.      Set new goals. Based on your self-reflection, what are some new goals you could set for yourself that you are passionate about and give you a sense of purpose. Start out small so you don’t overwhelm yourself.  

8.      Educate yourself. Look to others who’ve experienced what you have. Whether through self-help, memoir, autobiographies, podcasts, or documentaries.

Listening to the stories of others who’ve had a similar identity crisis can inspire you to embrace your shift and take positive action. It can also help us feel not so alone. Because, honestly questioning your identity is a lonely, isolating place to be in. But there is a near certainty that someone else—many someone elses—have been through what you’re experiencing and their insight and advice could help you.  

One book I recommend is by my friend, author, and teacher, Katherine Ramsland. Her book BLISS, Writing to Find Your True Self, can help you learn who you really are and what you really want.  

9.      Practice self-care in your daily routine. Get enough sleep, exercise, eat well. I know each day I don’t fulfill all my self-care routines. Some days I only do one or two. As long as I don’t give them up. I get back to them. I aim to be calm, nourished, and well rested. All things I need to navigate life challenges. I don’t always succeed but I keep trying and sometimes just have to let go and look to a new day to start over. 

So, find tools to calm your mind and agitated thoughts. Like with meditation. I’ve been doing transcendental meditation for 5 years now and it’s given me a sense of peace and calm, no matter the agitation in my life. It grounds me. 

10. Finally, don’t be afraid to add a dose of therapy! Consider seeking professional help. I’ve done this many times throughout identity shifts in my life. And if one therapist doesn’t work, try another.  

Whatever your identity shift navigation process is—keep in mind that it’s on your own unique timeline so don’t pressure yourself. And remember what I said earlier, that it’s not about Identity Recovery, it’s about Identity Discovery.

An identity shift can ultimately lead to personal growth and self-discovery. Embrace the journey and be open to the possibilities that lie ahead. Because if things aren’t going as planned, it could be time to try something new and trust in the power of new beginnings. 

In the play Julius Caeser by William Shakespeare, Cassius says to Brutus: “The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars but in ourselves”. I take this to mean that how we react to events in our lives that are out of our control impacts how we evolve—and either we merely survive these challenges OR we thrive. 

Another way to think of this Shakespeare quote is: We have all we need inside us. The external forces around us can shift us, but it’s up to us to create our destinies from them. 

So, now go embrace your identity shift and create the next empowered you. I know you can do it. For this shift, and the next and the next. 

And through each shift, you’ll carry your experiences with you forever. They become part of you. They shape you. They make you uniquely you. And you’re a wonderful thing to embrace. I believe it and so should you.